Washing the dishes this afternoon afforded me some thinking time. My day was not working out the best. The play out in my head went something like this (yes, I talk to myself in my head, but don’t worry, no one ever answers back):
After a not so good day at church today I was starting to wonder, how can we gauge our progress in this life? When we are single it’s fairly easy to check and keep ourselves on track. When we get married, our progress includes one more person. Motherhood really throws us a curve ball because we are then responsible for those precious lives in our care. How can we tell we are doing okay? Now, I’m not fishing for compliments I was really trying to figure this out. All I know is that when I walked in the door this afternoon, I was ready to quit, throw in the towel…whatever. I must be doing something wrong because things don't seem to be going right.
I know my children will never be perfect, but I have expectations – and I think they are reasonable. I expect them to be kind to their family as well as others, be respectful, courteous, eventually sit reverently in church, pick up after themselves, love their family, love their self…. If they do not reach these expectations, I’m at fault. I understand free agency but I have a responsibility to raise and teach them…show them the right road on the map, if you will. I’ve tried not to raise spoiled children but have wanted to give them opportunities that I were not available to me.
I started thinking about Kennedy being in dance. That is the only thing that I have ever really wanted so bad that I couldn’t have – we couldn’t afford it. I’m living vicariously through her. I love to watch her – she can move it with the best of them.
Fiona plays the piano quite proficiently for a 6 year old if I do say so myself. I might be biased…oh well. Recently, Fiona has started to say she wants to quit piano. Things are a bit harder as she is starting to play both hands (treble and bass clefs). It’s a lot of notes to remember for a little girl but she does it so well.
In the midst of my self inflicted anguish I thought of a conversation she and I had at the piano just yesterday. She told me, again, she just wanted to give up and that it was just getting too hard. I then told her:
“We don’t quit. There is always going to be something in life that is hard, Fiona. If you quit, you’ll never get to the good stuff. You are too special and too good to quit. I can’t let you.”
As I remembered this conversation, I had to stop and smile to myself (through tears of course). I needed my own advice. There are times I want to quit. I feel like I’m failing and quitting is the easiest thing to do. But, I know I have a Heavenly Father that echoes my advice to Fiona. I need to push through the not so good stuff to get the great stuff on the other side. Someone does think that I am too special and too good to quit.
I apologize if you find yourself at the end of this post, wishing you had never started. This is not meant to be a “woe is me post”. I just thought I’m probably not the only one out there feeling this way. Let’s face it, life gets pretty hard sometimes. Unfortunately, there are times we are going to feel like we are failing. Quitting is going to be soooooo appealing but we can’t. There’s always going to be something hard but we are all better than we think we are. We can do it (right?). I’m sure I’ll be discouraged again tomorrow, but for tonight I’ve found a bit more resolve to muster through. If I can find the will try a little harder, I think we all can.
Good luck to us all!
